Have wheels, will travel...so help me, God

As most of you know, my husband uses a wheelchair. All day, every day. Before I met him, I was pretty dumb about the logistics of wheelchair navigation. I didn't give a thought to elevators vs. stairs, the turning radius of a bathroom, the width of a door, the continuity of pavement, etc. Chalk it up to youthful naivete, but once my husband and I began dating seriously and our world opened up to include more exotic locales, I just blithely assumed that the travel industry was more savvy about accessible travel than I was and would shepherd us through the process like a wizened elderly woman teaching someone several decades her junior to knit.

Savor that image. Hold it in your heart. Because it's the nicest thing I'm going to say in this post.

That's... not what happened. The reality of accessible travel is that the people who work in it are just like I was, like many of you are, and never give a thought to - does the restaurant have stairs? Does the historic inn have a ramp out front? Will the baggage handlers at the airport grab my thousands-of-dollars-worth-of-wheelchair by its cables and throw it in the cargo compartment with the grace and finesse of a highly organized group of pillaging baboons?

TWICE?

Even some property and business owners don't truly understand what should be common sense about the accessibility of their own establishments. When I call a place to ask if it is accessible, I know in 2 seconds how the conversation will go. Aside from the straight-up "No," there are three options. 

1. The Ideal: something along the lines of "Of course! We have ramp access on the side and an elevator in the back."
2. The I Don't Know: Acceptable, but disappointing: "Um, hang on, let me ask the manager. It's kind of an old building."
3. The Idiot: Face. Palm. "Uh, yeah, I think so. There's only, like, one stair to get in the front." 

The single hardest thing to grasp about accessible travel is the one you'd least expect - the bathroom. Because unlike 99% of the travel professionals I have dealt with, I know that GRAB BARS DO NO GOOD IF YOU CAN'T FIT A WHEELCHAIR THROUGH THE DOOR. Or if the toilet is in its own tiny closet. Or if the square footage of the bathroom itself never hits the double digits. These are truths that should be self evident, even though it seems like the travel industry at large thinks that a bathroom is like a priority mail package - if it fits, it...%^&*s (sits. Yeah, sits.).

I know I may sound a little harsh, but I should stress that even though most travel professionals we have encountered are pretty much totally clueless, most of those have good intentions. The best of them will even admit their ignorance and go talk to someone smarter than they are, which is nice. And it may take a while, but eventually, they'll get back to us and we might be able to use some or even most of their offerings. Go almost everywhere. Ride a handful of rides. Eat at some of the  restaurants, although not go to the bathroom.  

Really, pretty much some of the stuff can handle a wheelchair. They think.

Even the owners of restaurants or small inns who aren't quite there yet will offer to send out "four big men to pick up your chair" (actually happened). And I can't tell you the number of times we've had perfect strangers offer to help when we've gotten stuck on a beach or in someone's side yard (in the rain) during a swanky garden party, or to pull or lift or yank or otherwise manhandle my husband's chair out of a tight spot.

People are sympathetic to these kinds of issues, when they are pointed out. Not the way that I suspect they will be in the next 10-15 years, when baby boomers all over are turning to wheeled devices when hips and knees start going out. But most places are genuinely sorry when they turn us away. They just never thought about it. Yes, there are laws, the great ADA being the most famous, certainly, but they only help...some. Not all doors are open.  Globally, the vast majority of them aren't. 

What's a wheelchair user to do? It became apparent through years of infuriating, expensive, and exhausting travel trial and error, that we can travel, but we have to really want it. We do not fly (thank American Airlines and Southwest, respectively). We plan ahead. Waaaaay ahead. We research. We analyse Google Earth for curb cuts and ramps. We get creative with portable ramps (we carry 3 in our van at all times) for doorsteps and curbs and uneven surfaces. We pad the timing of just about everything. But the most basic, irrefutable, and hardest to accept fact about wheelchair accessible travel is that there are places we simply cannot go.

So, where do we go? If we can get there by train, car, or boat, we do it. Cruises are the easiest option - we drive to cruise port, get on ship, and hit the Face Jammer without having to think much at all. On a good cruise, 3 out of 5 ports of call will have piers and my husband can get off the ship, although there are almost no accessible excursions once we're on dry land, but at least he has ample opportunity to browse the selection of knockoff handbags. 

Over the years, we've been to a fair number of places, too, so my plan is to document each trip as best as I can remember it, complete with mode of transport, restaurants, activities, and lodging, and post it on this blog. If there's a trip you know we've done that you want to know more about, or if you have a specific question about accessible travel (I probably can't answer it, but I can research it with you or at least swear a lot while we try), shoot me an email and I'll put it at the top of the list. 

A Scammer, Darkly

When I moved to DC, it struck me that the first question anyone asks you at a party in this area is "What do you do?" If the answer isn't immediately comprehensible and/or sufficiently impressive, their eyes glaze over and they find someone else with whom to associate. Someone whose credentials meet or exceed their expectations, or at least trigger their sense of irony ("You're working at a non-profit? That's awesome, it must be so rewarding. Can you hold my suitcase of Big Firm money while I go get another Car Bomb?").

So when approached at a gathering with the ubiquitous work question, I brace myself for the inevitable.

You see, I am a technical writer. 

At first, interest is piqued: "You're a writer?!"

"YesIwritethingslikeusermanuals," I blurt out, before they start asking me if they've "read" me.  Realization dawns on their faces, a split second before their eyes glaze over with boredom. I'm not that kind of writer. I write the things no one reads. 

Aaaaaand they're gone.

Such is the curse of what I like to think of as my seriously underrated profession. Tech writers aren't out saving the world, most of the time. But if you can't make heads or tails of how to operate an MRI machine or put on a HAZMAT suit or get that stupid piece of paper out of the $%^&ing printer, you want us in that manual. You NEED us in that manual.

And particularly, if you are an enterprising person with serious hacking chops but not the best mastery of the language, you really, really need us. Take, for instance, the entrepreneur in charge of what I have to say is the lousiest attempt at scamming Amazon customers I have seen to date. Take a look at what greeted me when I opened an email from "Amazon" this morning:

Let's put aside the obvious fact that if someone sends you an email asking for personal information, no matter how professional it looks, you DO NOT DO IT. Assume you've been living in a world free, thus far, from such nefarious plots. It would stand to reason, even then, that Amazon, a company based out of Seattle that is the biggest online retailer, ever, would hire a copywriter. Or two. Or a hundred. These copywriters would surely have caught the multiple injustices done to the rules of English grammar contained in this communication and fixed them. And then Amazon's Legal department would have resigned, but that's beside the point. 

The point is this: hackers, spammers, schemers, and scalawags of the Internet, there's a time and place for Google translate. Attempting to swindle money from strangers is neither. You went through all that trouble to clone and hack and code, and for what? A missive that no first grader would fall for. At least have the respect for your product to employ the services of someone like, say, myself. Here's what I would send back to you:

So the next time you are overwhelmed with the need to skim a little cash from the coffers of the Interwebs, call your friendly neighborhood tech writer. Who is probably already judging you for your grammar anyway.

Lit-shaming is the new black: In defense of adult readers of YA fiction

I take this moment away from binge-watching Orange is the New Black to bring you an important message:

If you see this headline in your Facebook feed, remove it immediately. Because the only person who should be ashamed of herself is the author.

I am a fan of YA, and I am a reasonably well read adult. And I have a few bones to pick with the author of this piece. So let's begin.

Read whatever you want. But you should feel embarrassed when what you’re reading was written for children.

You know how when someone tells you to calm down, it just makes you angrier? Statements that in any way tell me how I should feel only succeed in making me actually feel rage. There is SO much shame in popular culture that it's now entered our lexicon, (See fat-shaming, slut-shaming, etc.) and articles like this one take pot-shots at one of the few safe havens left - reading. 

Let’s set aside the transparently trashy stuff likeDivergent and Twilight, which no one defends as serious literature.

...and I won't start now, although having read both of those series, I can tell you that Divergent is a far cry from sparkly vampire tales, and does have some interesting ideas about societal archetypes, but that's a conversation for another day. Anyway, the point is that I think it short-sighted and unfair to lump the entirety of YA fiction in with two of its least -compelling samples. Not when there are decidedly adult offerings out there like Fifty Shades of Grey that sat at the top of the best seller list for over 50 weeks straight. Because really, submitting oneself sexually to a privileged, sadistic mysogynist? That's serious literature.

I'm talking about the genre the publishing industry calls “realistic fiction.” These are the books, like The Fault in Our Stars,that are about real teens doing real things, and that rise and fall not only on the strength of their stories but, theoretically, on the quality of their writing. These are the books that could plausibly be said to be replacing literary fiction in the lives of their adult readers. And that’s a shame.

So here it is. The author of this opinion piece thinks that one subset of YA fiction stands to obliterate the whole of quality adult fiction. Which just illustrates how very narrow this woman's experience of literature really is. The body of her article reads like a English major's summer reading list - Dickens and Wharton and Updike. What about some of the other genres and sub-genres out there? Some of the best writing I've come across in the last few years has been in YA fantasy. It's like the Hunger Games opened the door to a wealth of dystopian young adults novels - some veer more toward the trashy, but others are haunting and beautifully crafted (The Evolution of Mara Dyer; Daughter of Smoke and Bone, the Grisha Trilogy; the Raven Cycle). In many ways, they are much more literary than their adult counterparts, which tend to be characterized more by graphic and/or sexualized violence than conflict of self (The Road; Game of Thrones).

Most importantly, these books consistently indulge in the kind of endings that teenagers want to see, but which adult readers ought to reject as far too simple. YA endings are uniformly satisfying, whether that satisfaction comes through weeping or cheering.

This is actually kind of funny. I can practically hear the sneer in the way the author talks about satisfying endings. She is just adding credence to the stereotype that respectable fiction has to be dismal and avant-garde, and end mid-sentence so you are left smoking on the patio of a coffee house in New York City and murmuring about it with your hipster friends over a plate of charcuterie and ennui. To which I say simply: get over yourself. And maybe even "get a life." Because if your life doesn't hand you darkness and ambiguity and unresolved conflict in spades, you are clearly luckier than I am. I'll take my resolutions, happy or sad, wherever I can get them.

But I remember, when I was a young adult, being desperate to earn my way into the adult stacks; I wouldn’t have wanted to live in a world where all the adults were camped out in mine.

Did she seriously just say that she would rather die than have her parents read "her" fiction? For someone who purports to be so much more sophisticated than YA, that's awfully dramatic language. And it misses one of the biggest perks of reading YA as an adult - Having a secret weapon when trying to actually communicate with young adults. Over the holidays, we had dinner with a friend of my husband's who is stepfather to two teen girls. These girls were extremely polite and pleasant but definitely out of their depth conversation-wise until I asked one of them about a book I'd been reading. And then suddenly, it was this magical conversation with laughter and insights and genuine interest. It was a mature discussion about literature not demanded by a syllabus. And it was fun.

And finally:

Fellow grown-ups, at the risk of sounding snobbish and joyless and old, we are better than this. I know, I know: Live and let read. Far be it from me to disrupt the “everyone should just read/watch/listen to whatever they like” ethos of our era. There’s room for pleasure, escapism, juicy plots, and satisfying endings on the shelves of the serious reader.

Snobbish? Check. 

Joyless? Totally. 

Old? You said it, sister, not me, but in my opinion, thats 3 for 3. 

While, granted, the author generously gives you permission to read what you want (Thank goodness, right!?!) she wants you to feel bad about it if you don't read what she does. She's like those girls in middle school who make fun of other kids because their brand of clothing is different. Doesn't she remember that those girls always get what's coming to them? 

Sounds to me like someone needs to read a little more YA.

No- fail Pinterest Pasta

My husband's favorite foods are noodles and preserved meats. And also ice cream. So when planning dinner for the family that must be 1. Easy, and 2. Involving as few dishes as possible, as well as 3. Involving little to no chopping and 4. being as nutritious as possible while still being low carb and containing two of those favorite foods, I occasionally have to "get creative." Which is code for "look at Pinterest."
But as any Pinterest veteran can tell you, copying a pin step-for step is much harder than you'd think. There are whole sites devoted to Pinterest fails (which are kind of spectacular in their awfulness)., usually because the attempt to copy the original poster was made without the  use of a recommended ingredient or technique. But these are not failures, in my opinion. These people are pioneers. They are fearless. They are innovative. They are shameless. All hail the Pinterest fail!

That said, this isn't one. And I didn't follow it to the letter. And it only involved a cutting board, knife, spoon, and one pan, which is not too bad on the sliding scale of dirty dishes-to-yummines. So here we go!

Materials

• Package of polish sausage (1 lb?)
• Small onion, chopped (by now, we all know I only buy frozen pre-chopped onions)
• 2-3 cloves garlic (aka "2 squeezes of puréed garlic in a tube)
• 1/2 tsp Italian herbs (optional)
• 15oz can diced tomatoes 
• 2 15 oz cans chicken broth
• 2 cups half and half
• 1lb shaped pasta of your choice
• 2-3 handfuls fresh baby spinach leaves
• 1 cup Monterey Jack or other mild cheese, shredded

Method

Slice the sausage into 1/2 inch rounds. Pour a tablespoon or two of olive oil into a large covered skillet and heat to medium. Sauté sausage pieces until browned a bit on both sides; add onion and garlic and cook for another 5 minutes or so. 

Dump in tomatoes, chicken broth, and noodles; stir. Pour in half and half * and turn heat to low. Cover dish and wait for about 10 minutes.

Uncover dish and taste noodles for doneness. If they're ready, add the spinach, stir, and cover for another couple of minutes or until spinach is wilted. 

Top dish with cheese and cover for another couple of minutes, until cheese is melted. Pour glass of wine and and scoop yourself and giant bowl and go binge watch something.

* I have a very sophisticated measuring system. I use the tomato can. 2 cans broth, 1 can half and half.   I have also used water and chicken bouillon, and it was fine.

In a curry? Salmon cakes to the rescue!

There are days when I just have weird leftovers in my house. Like when I decided to try this thing I saw on Pinterest about growing green onions from the roots of a previously used plant (totally works). And I also happened to have an excess of leftover salmon because my daughter decided she wanted "pink chicken" all the time and my husband and I were well and truly tired of it. So back to Pinterest I went, and since I was being all "low-carb lalalala" at the time, adapted a recipe I found for West Indies Salmon Cakes. It didn't take long, and we had lovely golden-brown low-carb not-just-salmon goodness! 

2 cups flaked salmon (the original blogger used canned)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 c onion, minced (I had green onions, so that's what I used, and it worked fine)
1/2 c flour (For the low-carb version, I used half coconut flour and half almond meal)
2 tsp baking powder
1 large egg, whisked
1 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp salt
Pepper to taste
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl and mix until well combined. With hands, form 6 patties and set aside. In a frying pan, pour a tbsp or two of oil. Heat over medium high heat. Fry patties for 2-3 minutes each side until done. If freezing, place between layers of wax/parchment paper in freezer bags and freeze. Thaw and cook as above.

An a-side

Stuck for side dishes? Sick of salad? Take any non-watery vegetable you have left over in the fridge or freezer (from that misguided decision you made to join a CSA by yourself), cut it into large chunks (or just in half, whatever), rub it in olive oil, salt, pepper, and whatever seasoning you like (I use Italian seasoning and garlic powder), and roast it in a single layer on a large baking sheet for 20 minutes or so, until the edges of the veggies turn dark brown. Start these first; by the time the salmon cakes are done, the veggies will be, too.

All you need is love. And candy. And a trip to the craft store. But that's it.

To raise money for our annual church retreat, the choir (my peeps!) and I banded together for a "crafternoon" full of sweet sweet goodness. We made candy bouquets to sell, which involved mass-producing 7 different kinds of Valentine-themed candies on sticks, then putting them in vases filled with, you guessed it, more candy.

Just one of these projects would probably make enough for a child's classroom, or a nurse's station, or your back-of-the-closet secret after a hard day. I'm listing them here by the fewest number of ingredients.  If you're not diabetic by the time you're done, you have noone to blame but yourself!

1. Tootsie pop flowers
2. Chocolate-dipped pretzel rods
3. Chocolate kiss roses
4. Upcycled candy cane hearts
5. Oreo pops
6. Chocolate-covered Peep hearts
7. Rice Krispie Heart pops
8. Master list of materials and ingredients for overachievers

1. Tootsie pop flowers

Can't take the credit for this photo, but you can see the ones I did in the photo at the bottom of the page.

Required:

1. Bag of Tootsie Roll pops
2. 2 sheets of cardstock, scrapbooking paper, or foam
3. Small hole punch

Optional:

• Heart shape paper punch (It won't work with the foam, but if you use paper it makes the process so.much.faster.)
• Green paper (for leaves)
• Scotch tape

This one is also very easy. I used the instructions from here. If you have trouble getting the petals to stay up once they're on the stick, wrap some scotch tape around the stick.

2. Chocolate-dipped pretzel rods

Required:

1. Chocolate to melt (I'd say about 2 12-ounce bags of chocolate chips)
2. 1 bag of pretzel rods
3. Tall glass (microwave-safe)
4. Tall cellophane bags and twist ties (Or Ziploc bags with the zips cut off and pipe cleaners cut into short pieces)
5. Parchment or wax paper

Optional:

• Contrasting color of chocolate
• Sprinkles* 

This one is so easy!!

• Pour 1 bag of chocolate chips into your glass (or fill with chopped chocolate). You can go all the way to the top - it will take up less space as the chocolate melts. Zap in the microwave for 30 seconds, then stir (I used a wooden skewer). Repeat. You should be able to stir it at this point, and you want to, as many of the chips will melt as you stir. If even after your best stirring efforts there are lumps, zap it again for 15 seconds and stir again.*
• Open the bag of pretzel rods and spread your parchment or wax paper on a flat surface. 
• Dip the pretzel rods into the chocolate, turning to coat well and shaking off the excess before laying the pretzel on the paper to dry. As the level of chocolate goes down, you may need to tip the glass to coat the pretzel as far up as you can.
• You'll probably have to refill the chocolate halfway through the bag. Use the same method as before.

When all the pretzels are dipped, you can just just walk away. But where's the challenge in that???

• Melt the contrasting color of chocolate (My favorite method for this particular use is to nuke a couple of handfuls of chips in a mostly-closed Ziploc bag for 30 seconds, then massage the bag until it's smooth, snip off a corner, and go!) and drizzle over the coated pretzels. While the chocolate is still wet, shake sprinkles over the pretzels.
• Let the chocolate dry for a couple of hours. If you touch it lightly and it leaves a fingerprint, let it dry some more.
• Bag 'em and go!

3. Chocolate Kiss Roses

Required:

1. Bag of Hershey Kisses
2. Pink or red tissue paper (the kind you use to stuff gift bags and boxes)
3. Floral wire (18 gauge worked great, but I also used pipe cleaners and heard a rumor that wooden skewers work)
4. Floral tape
5. Glue dots

Optional:

• Wired leaves 

Method

I listened to the Internet on this one, but their advice produced slightly warped rosebuds and sore fingers. Plus, they took forever. My method produced a couple dozen flowers in the time it took to watch Downton Abbey.

• Cut the flower wire to make between  9-12 inch pieces.
• Cut the tissue paper into 6-inch squares.
• Stick a glue dot on the bottom of a kiss and stick the bottom of another kiss to it. 

• Put a glue dot on the side of one of the kisses, near the pointy end.
• Hold the end of one of the wires against the glue dot on the side.

• Center two pieces of tissue paper over the top pointy end of the candy. Pull the sides of the tissue out straight and crease.

• Wrap tissue clockwise around candy, holding the paper pretty firmly. Keep twisting all the way to the base of the candies. Secure with a bit of tape if needed.

• Holding one end of the floral tape against the bottom third of the candy portion, start pulling the tape gently and wrapping it around to form a stem. (Pulling the tape activates a mild wax that will make the tape stick to itself.)

• Once you get past the bulky portion at the end of the tissue paper, add two leaves and continue wrapping down the wire to the end. Just rip off the tape and smooth it down to finish.

To be fair, I stole some of the instructions from here.

4. Upcycled Candy Cane Hearts**

Not my picture, I can't take credit, but I thought y'all would like to know what they look like!

Required:

1. Chocolate for melting (the amount depends entirely on how many candy canes you have, but don't try it with less than 8 oz.)
2. As many leftover candy canes as you scrounge together. The link I'll post below uses the mini ones, but all I could find at the 90% off after-Christmas sale were the big ones, and they worked fine.
3. Microwave safe bowl
4. 6 inch lollipop sticks (You could use wooden skewers, just beware of the sharp tips)
5. Cellophane bags and twist ties (Or Ziploc bags with the zips cut off and pipe cleaners cut into short pieces)
6. Parchment or wax paper

Optional:

• Heat-proof gloves (otherwise your fingertips get a little toasty)
• Sprinkles* or conversation hearts (can stick to the chocolate while it's wet)
• Contrasting color of chocolate

I used these instructions. The only thing I did differently was to use the big candy canes, which should be baked and extra minute or two to make them pliable.

5. Oreo Pops

Required:

1. Candy coating (or chocolate chips)
2. 1 package of Oreos
3. Microwave-safe bowl (a coffee mug works great for this)
4. 6 inch lollipop sticks (or Popsicle sticks or wooden skewers, just beware of the sharp tips)
5. Cellophane bags and twist ties (Or Ziploc bags with the zips cut off and pipe cleaners cut into short pieces)
6. Parchment or wax paper

Optional:

• Sprinkles* or conversation hearts (can stick to the chocolate while it's wet)
• Contrasting color of chocolate

The instructions are here. I have good news and bad news here. You have to dig the trenches, or it just won't work. Yes, even if you buy Double Stuffed. The good news is that if you break it, you bite it.

6. Chocolate-covered Peep Hearts

Required:

1. Candy coating (this recipe says 8 oz; you can also use chocolate chips)
2. 2 tblsp vegetable shortening
3. 1 package of Peep hearts (8 hearts)
4. Tall glass (microwave-safe)
5. 6 inch lollipop sticks (I have used Popsicle sticks or plastic forks before. You could also use wooden skewers, just beware of the sharp tips)
6. Cellophane bags and twist ties (Or Ziploc bags with the zips cut off and pipe cleaners cut into short pieces)
7. Parchment or wax paper

Optional:

• Sprinkles* or conversation hearts (can stick to the chocolate while it's wet)

These instructions work great!

7. Rice Krispie Heart Pops

Required:

1. Candy coating (or chocolate chips)
2. Box of Rice Krispies cereal
3. Bag of marshmallows
4. 1/4 cup butter
5. Large microwave-safe bowl 
6. Heart-shaped cookie cutters (any shape works, or instead of cutting out the treats, pour them directly into the wells of a well-greased muffin tin)
7. Smaller bowl for melting chocolate
8. 6 inch lollipop sticks (or Popsicle sticks or wooden skewers, just beware of the sharp tips)
9. Cellophane bags and twist ties (Or Ziploc bags with the zips cut off and pipe cleaners cut into short pieces)
10. Parchment or wax paper
11. Cooking spray

Optional:

• Sprinkles* (can stick to the chocolate while it's wet)
• Contrasting color of chocolate

Method

• Line a cookie sheet with parchment or wax paper.
• Melt butter in the large bowl in the microwave (30 seconds should do it). Dump in the bag of marshmallows and stir to coat.Microwave for 45 seconds.
• SPRAY A SPATULA WITH COOKING SPRAY. It's important. Don't question it.
• Stir the gooey mess, then nuke for another 30-45 seconds. Stir again until it's a uniform melted goo consistency. Add Rice Krispies right away and stir.
• SPRAY THE SPATULA AGAIN WITH COOKING SPRAY.
• Pour the contents of the bowl onto the lined cookie sheet and use the spatula to flatten it out until it's roughly an inch thick. Let it cool for about half an hour, it'll be easier to cut.
• SPRAY THE COOKIE CUTTER WITH COOKING SPRAY.
• Cut out the hearts and lay them on parchment or wax paper.
• Melt a few spoonfuls of chocolate in a bowl. Dip the end of each lollipop stick into the melted chocolate before sticking it into the point of the heart-shaped treats.
• Once all of the treats have sticks, melt more chocolate(s) and drizzle over the hearts. Add sprinkles while the chocolate is still wet. Let the chocolate dry completely before bagging. 

Master list of ingredients for overachievers

You don't have to do all of these. But if, for some reason, you WANT to (masochist, much?), here's a shopping list of everything you need to buy, organized by where you can most likely find it.

Grocery store (and/or Target)

Rice Krispies cereal
Oreos
"Regular" chocolate and white chocolate chips and/or candy coating
Marshmallows
Shortening
Cooking spray
Ziploc bags
Parchment or wax paper
Tootsie Roll lollipops
Pretzel rods
Hershey Kisses
Clearance candy canes
Peep hearts
Conversation hearts
Butter
Wine (don't question it)

Craft store

Tissue paper
Card stock or scrapbooking paper in flower- and leaf- appropriate colors
Glue dots
Small hole punch
Heart-shaped punch
Sprinkles
Cellophane bags
Twist ties
Fancy colored candy melts
Lollipop sticks
Cookie cutter
Floral tape
Floral wire

* Target has some awesome V-Day sprinkles on the dollar aisle - don't pretend you don't know where it is.
** Does that word sound smug to anyone else?

Sugar-free Chocolate "Tradeoff" Trifle

The reality is this: Sugar-free does not mean carb-free. Nor does it mean math-free. Doing truly low-carb dieting involves lots of counting and adding and measuring and research, and, well, Mommy don't got time for that. So I do the best I can, avoid what I know is truly bad, and sometimes, I choose to believe what the packaging tells me. It may mean that I am eating more carbs than I should have in a day and more chemicals than I would put on my face to banish wrinkles, but if I can suspend my disbelief long enough, I can eat this dish pretty much guilt free. And I want to. Because unlike pretty much EVERY low-carb chocolate chip cookie recipe I have EVER tried, it's actually good.

Materials

• 1 box of instant, sugar free chocolate pudding
• 1 box of instant, sugar free white chocolate (or vanilla, or whatever) pudding
• 4 cups milk
• 1 packet Starbucks Via
• 1 tub sugar-free Cool Whip*
• 1 box sugar-free Oreos**
• 8 oz sugar-free chocolate chips
• 8 oz heavy cream

Method

• Mix 2 cups of milk with each packet of pudding. Divide the container of cool whip and mix half into each batch of pudding. Add the Via packet to one of the pudding batches and stir until incorporated. 
• Put the heavy cream in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave on high for a minute. remove from the microwave, add the chocolate chips, and stir until smooth.***
• Twist open the Oreos and use the halves to make a single layer at the bottom of a casserole dish (I use an old round one, if you're working with squares I would stick with a 9x9).

• Pour one of the puddings over the cookie layer.
• Add another cookie layer.
• Drizzle half of the chocolate mixture over the cookie layer.

• Pour the other pudding over the cookie layer.
• Drizzle with remaining chocolate mixture.

• Hide in back of fridge for as long as you can stand it.

Confession

I tried to do a carb count on this. I am sure that most 12 year olds are better at math than I am and could correct me, but anyway, for 1/2 cup, I think it's around 11 grams of carbs. Not out of the park, but not horrible, either. IF you can stick to 1/2 cup. But I still don't feel bad, because really, this isn't the sprint of a Hollywood Cookie Diet, it's a marathon of saying "no thank you" when someone passes the rolls, and once in a while saying "OMG yes" to a milkshake because life is short. Consider this recipe somewhere in the middle.:)

*Even if your grocery store doesn't carry sugar-free, the regular stuff is actually pretty low-carb anyway. Just don't go for the extra creamy or fat-free versions, they have a lot more sugar.

**These can be tricky to find. Basically, if your store carries ANY sugar free cookies, you can use them.

***Hey, guess what? You just made ganache!!!! 

The Good Shepherd('s Pie)

For me, winter (post-holiday) is an easier time to go low-carb, thanks in large part to the fact that you don't have as much of what I like to call "salad guilt." When it's 95 degrees out, it just seems like the universe judges you for not going to Chop't or some other gimmicky salad joint every day and getting something made from locally-sourced dandelions and wunderberries and Mystic Tan. You can't order pot roast in July. It's barbaric. Or at least the ads on the Metro make you think so. And yes, I get that salads are, by nature, low-carb. But they're salad.

It's not that I am anti-salad. I am just not excited about them. It's like how my three-year-old feels about anything other than frosting. It'll do if you're 5 minutes from starvation but otherwise, why bother?

Winter is the time for pot roast. And pub food. And cheese. So in celebration, I devised a low-carb version of Shepherd's pie that turned out pretty good, only involved two pots and a casserole dish, and can be ready to pop in the oven in less time than it takes to make a frozen pizza. Yes, I know that for a fact. Don't judge me.

Materials

As with most things I make, you can substitute a lot in here. This is just how I did it because I happened to have most of the ingredients languishing in the freezer or fridge. You can swap out the ground meats and the veggies (except the cauliflower, unless, of course, you do mashed potatoes) for whatever you have lying around or whatever your kids will eat.

• 2 bags of frozen cauliflower florets (because I hate chopping)
• Stick of butter or margarine (I guess you could sub sour cream or plain yogurt. Killjoy.)
• 1 tblsp olive oil
• 1lb ground bison
• 1lb ground turkey breast
• 1 bag frozen chopped onions
• 3 tblsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1 small bay leaf
• 1.5 cups beef broth (or 1 can)
• 1 teaspoon steak seasoning
• 1/2 cup red wine (or beer)
• 1 1/2 cups baby carrots
• 1 1/2 cups frozen peas
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (optional)

Method

• Preheat oven to 375.
• Dump the cauliflower and 1/4 cup frozen chopped onions in a large pot or microwave steamer with an inch or so of water.  Steam until fork tender.
• While the cauliflower steams, in a separate pot, add the olive oil, the rest of the chopped onions, and the ground meats. Cook on medium-high heat until the meat is mostly browned, and then add the broth, Worcestershire, bay leaf, steak seasoning, and wine. Bring to a boil, then add salt or pepper to taste. Add carrots to the top of the meat mixture and simmer until they are tender.

• While the meat mixture simmers, dump the frozen peas in a strainer and rinse with cold water until they are thawed.
• Drain the cauliflower and add butter. Using an immersion blender (or a potato masher, but seriously, you need an immersion blender), blend until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.

• Turn off the meat mixture and stir in the peas. Pour into casserole dish, then spread the mashed cauliflower on top.Top with cheese and bake for about 30 minutes, or until cheese is melted and/or the mashed cauliflower is lightly browned in spots.