If at first you don't succeed...you can always put it on your blog

So a couple years back, I decided to enter the Pillsbury Bake-off. At the time, I had a one-year-old and about 3 weeks to come up with original recipes and, as it happened, had temporarily lost my senses of smell and taste. So the Bake-off prep was really in the hands of my tasters, because all I could discern of what I put in my mouth was sweet, salty, spicy, sour, or bitter. It was a great diet plan, as I figured that while I couldn't enjoy anything, I might as well just eat salads. It was very surreal, though, and even after a CAT scan, the ENT wasn't sure why it had happened, but eventually the senses came back, although I still don't think they've ever been as sharp as they were before (rest assured,though, they are plenty good enough to know the difference between salads and brownies - I know you were worried). Weird.
Anyway, I came up with three entries, all of which my tasters thought were pretty good. Once I had my smell and taste back, the standout for me was the cupcake recipe. Plus, it involves an element of danger and option for use of open flame - who doesn't love that?
Pillsbury, apparently. Alas, I did not win, but I won't let that stop me from sharing the losing recipe! Please ignore the brands - that was a requirement for the contest. I've also editorialized it a bit from the original submission.

Materials

1/2 cup shortening

1 1/4 cups white sugar

2 LAND O LAKES® Large Brown Cage-Free eggs

1 teaspoon McCormick® Pure Vanilla Extract

½ teaspoon banana flavoring

1 cup mashed ripe (not brown or over-ripe) bananas (seriously, this makes the difference between a cupcake and a muffin)

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons dark rum (or more if you're not into measuring)

2 cups Pillsbury BEST® Unbleached Flour

½ teaspoon McCormick® Ground Cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 can Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk

⅓ cup heavy cream

1 jar marshmallow cream

Method

1. In a medium sized bowl, combine dry ingredients. Preheat oven  to 350. In a large mixing bowl, cream together the shortening and sugar using an electric mixer. Add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition. Add ¼ cup rum (can substitute with ¼ cup buttermilk and 1 teaspoon McCormick® Imitation Rum Extract - BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO???), flavorings and bananas and blend until just incorporated. Add flour mixture in two batches and beat until incorporated. Using a ¼ cup measuring cup, fill a lined regular-sized cupcake tin with batter (it makes about 18 cupcakes, so you may have to work in two batches). Bake for 18-22 minutes, until tops spring back when touched.
2. While cupcakes are baking*, pour the contents of 1 can of condensed milk into a large microwave-safe bowl. Cover with plastic wrap; make a small slit in the top to allow steam to escape. Cook on 50% power for 2 minutes; stir with a wire whisk. Cover and microwave again for 2 minutes on 50% power. Stir with wire whisk. Repeat this procedure in 2.5 minute increments for 10 more minutes. Mixture should foam each time it is stirred and should be caramel-colored and thick near the end. Meanwhile, heat cream in a small saucepan until hot but not boiling. At the end of the 10 minutes, immediately add hot cream and 2 tablespoons rum (or 1 teaspoon rum extract); whisk until smooth. Set aside to cool.
3. When cupcakes are cool, take a measuring spoon or apple corer and remove a small (no more than 1 teaspoon total) section from the center of each cupcake. Put the cooled milk mixture into a heavy-duty plastic zip-top bag; seal the bag and snip off one corner (about ½ inch). Fill the hole in each cupcake until mixture is even with the top of the cake.
4. Preheat your broiler** and place all of your filled cupcakes on a baking sheet. Top each cupcake with 1-2 tablespoons of marshmallow cream (I find it is easiest to put it in a piping bag or zip-top bag with the corner snipped off). Try to center the marshmallow cream on each cupcake but don’t worry about spreading it out. Once all cupcakes have been iced, put the baking sheet in the oven until the marshmallow cream browns on the top, resembling a toasted marshmallow. This process happens very quickly, so be sure to check your cupcakes every 30 seconds or so. Serve immediately for the gooiest experience.:)

*If you like to live dangerously: The way I originally learned to make this wonderful caramelly-goodness was from a terrific book called Southern Ladies and Gentlemen. The author, Florence King, referred to this as "Danger Pudding." All you do is take a can of condensed milk, peel off the label, put it in a large stock pot full of cold water, and then boil it for an hour and a half. Take the pot off the heat, pour off the water, and leave the can alone until it cools completely. I guess bad things can happen if you open the can too soon. Like caramel on the ceiling. And your hair. And shrapnel.

**If Danger is your middle name: You can also accomplish this with a kitchen torch (the kind you use for creme brulee). Just watch your eyebrows.

Taking care of business (cards)

You know that thing about pride goeth-ing before a fall? Yeah.

A friend asked if I could help her Mom (a very VERY talented lady) do some business cards on VistaPrint. I said sure, no problem, I'd never used them before, but I could do the design. I promptly opened up a Word template, and within a few hours, had a decent prototype. No sweat. Design was finalized, everybody's happy, woop!

I offer to set it up on Vistaprint's site, and get to work. It was bad, y'all. Every which way I could do it, that preview looked awful. Word, my old friend, was no longer good enough. Photoshop, I discovered in short order, makes me feel incompetent is an elitist and I refuse to associate with it (read, I gave up, in tears, after it took me two weeks to figure out how to draw a dashed line, and I still couldn't get it right). Illustrator, luckily, came to my rescue, and the finished product turned out well, I think! Plus the name of the business is genius (alas, not mine). Check it out!

I then did some for another friend, and I think these turned out pretty good, too!

Materials

• Adobe Illustrator
• You Tube (God bless you, Internet!)

Method

I can't tell you how long it took me to figure out this stuff, because it's kind of embarrassing, but I will share with you the wisdom of others.

• How to make a fancy frame shape (here)
• How to make a chevron pattern (here)

Conclusions

I failed at using Word and I failed at using Photoshop with both of these projects. I hate failing at anything, but especially when it feels like I'm being held back by my own ignorance. What I learned, though, was that sometimes you have to stop beating the dead horse with the same stick, and either get back on the horse or beat it with a new stick. Sort of like that right there. I am going to walk away from that horrible head-on collision of equine metaphors and instead refer you to this video, which is sweet and inspiring and if you've ever failed at a project or had it rejected, you should watch, because you aren't alone. My horse and I are with you.