In a curry? Salmon cakes to the rescue!

There are days when I just have weird leftovers in my house. Like when I decided to try this thing I saw on Pinterest about growing green onions from the roots of a previously used plant (totally works). And I also happened to have an excess of leftover salmon because my daughter decided she wanted "pink chicken" all the time and my husband and I were well and truly tired of it. So back to Pinterest I went, and since I was being all "low-carb lalalala" at the time, adapted a recipe I found for West Indies Salmon Cakes. It didn't take long, and we had lovely golden-brown low-carb not-just-salmon goodness! 

2 cups flaked salmon (the original blogger used canned)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 c onion, minced (I had green onions, so that's what I used, and it worked fine)
1/2 c flour (For the low-carb version, I used half coconut flour and half almond meal)
2 tsp baking powder
1 large egg, whisked
1 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp salt
Pepper to taste
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl and mix until well combined. With hands, form 6 patties and set aside. In a frying pan, pour a tbsp or two of oil. Heat over medium high heat. Fry patties for 2-3 minutes each side until done. If freezing, place between layers of wax/parchment paper in freezer bags and freeze. Thaw and cook as above.

An a-side

Stuck for side dishes? Sick of salad? Take any non-watery vegetable you have left over in the fridge or freezer (from that misguided decision you made to join a CSA by yourself), cut it into large chunks (or just in half, whatever), rub it in olive oil, salt, pepper, and whatever seasoning you like (I use Italian seasoning and garlic powder), and roast it in a single layer on a large baking sheet for 20 minutes or so, until the edges of the veggies turn dark brown. Start these first; by the time the salmon cakes are done, the veggies will be, too.

Sugar-free Chocolate "Tradeoff" Trifle

The reality is this: Sugar-free does not mean carb-free. Nor does it mean math-free. Doing truly low-carb dieting involves lots of counting and adding and measuring and research, and, well, Mommy don't got time for that. So I do the best I can, avoid what I know is truly bad, and sometimes, I choose to believe what the packaging tells me. It may mean that I am eating more carbs than I should have in a day and more chemicals than I would put on my face to banish wrinkles, but if I can suspend my disbelief long enough, I can eat this dish pretty much guilt free. And I want to. Because unlike pretty much EVERY low-carb chocolate chip cookie recipe I have EVER tried, it's actually good.

Materials

• 1 box of instant, sugar free chocolate pudding
• 1 box of instant, sugar free white chocolate (or vanilla, or whatever) pudding
• 4 cups milk
• 1 packet Starbucks Via
• 1 tub sugar-free Cool Whip*
• 1 box sugar-free Oreos**
• 8 oz sugar-free chocolate chips
• 8 oz heavy cream

Method

• Mix 2 cups of milk with each packet of pudding. Divide the container of cool whip and mix half into each batch of pudding. Add the Via packet to one of the pudding batches and stir until incorporated. 
• Put the heavy cream in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave on high for a minute. remove from the microwave, add the chocolate chips, and stir until smooth.***
• Twist open the Oreos and use the halves to make a single layer at the bottom of a casserole dish (I use an old round one, if you're working with squares I would stick with a 9x9).

• Pour one of the puddings over the cookie layer.
• Add another cookie layer.
• Drizzle half of the chocolate mixture over the cookie layer.

• Pour the other pudding over the cookie layer.
• Drizzle with remaining chocolate mixture.

• Hide in back of fridge for as long as you can stand it.

Confession

I tried to do a carb count on this. I am sure that most 12 year olds are better at math than I am and could correct me, but anyway, for 1/2 cup, I think it's around 11 grams of carbs. Not out of the park, but not horrible, either. IF you can stick to 1/2 cup. But I still don't feel bad, because really, this isn't the sprint of a Hollywood Cookie Diet, it's a marathon of saying "no thank you" when someone passes the rolls, and once in a while saying "OMG yes" to a milkshake because life is short. Consider this recipe somewhere in the middle.:)

*Even if your grocery store doesn't carry sugar-free, the regular stuff is actually pretty low-carb anyway. Just don't go for the extra creamy or fat-free versions, they have a lot more sugar.

**These can be tricky to find. Basically, if your store carries ANY sugar free cookies, you can use them.

***Hey, guess what? You just made ganache!!!! 

The Good Shepherd('s Pie)

For me, winter (post-holiday) is an easier time to go low-carb, thanks in large part to the fact that you don't have as much of what I like to call "salad guilt." When it's 95 degrees out, it just seems like the universe judges you for not going to Chop't or some other gimmicky salad joint every day and getting something made from locally-sourced dandelions and wunderberries and Mystic Tan. You can't order pot roast in July. It's barbaric. Or at least the ads on the Metro make you think so. And yes, I get that salads are, by nature, low-carb. But they're salad.

It's not that I am anti-salad. I am just not excited about them. It's like how my three-year-old feels about anything other than frosting. It'll do if you're 5 minutes from starvation but otherwise, why bother?

Winter is the time for pot roast. And pub food. And cheese. So in celebration, I devised a low-carb version of Shepherd's pie that turned out pretty good, only involved two pots and a casserole dish, and can be ready to pop in the oven in less time than it takes to make a frozen pizza. Yes, I know that for a fact. Don't judge me.

Materials

As with most things I make, you can substitute a lot in here. This is just how I did it because I happened to have most of the ingredients languishing in the freezer or fridge. You can swap out the ground meats and the veggies (except the cauliflower, unless, of course, you do mashed potatoes) for whatever you have lying around or whatever your kids will eat.

• 2 bags of frozen cauliflower florets (because I hate chopping)
• Stick of butter or margarine (I guess you could sub sour cream or plain yogurt. Killjoy.)
• 1 tblsp olive oil
• 1lb ground bison
• 1lb ground turkey breast
• 1 bag frozen chopped onions
• 3 tblsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1 small bay leaf
• 1.5 cups beef broth (or 1 can)
• 1 teaspoon steak seasoning
• 1/2 cup red wine (or beer)
• 1 1/2 cups baby carrots
• 1 1/2 cups frozen peas
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (optional)

Method

• Preheat oven to 375.
• Dump the cauliflower and 1/4 cup frozen chopped onions in a large pot or microwave steamer with an inch or so of water.  Steam until fork tender.
• While the cauliflower steams, in a separate pot, add the olive oil, the rest of the chopped onions, and the ground meats. Cook on medium-high heat until the meat is mostly browned, and then add the broth, Worcestershire, bay leaf, steak seasoning, and wine. Bring to a boil, then add salt or pepper to taste. Add carrots to the top of the meat mixture and simmer until they are tender.

• While the meat mixture simmers, dump the frozen peas in a strainer and rinse with cold water until they are thawed.
• Drain the cauliflower and add butter. Using an immersion blender (or a potato masher, but seriously, you need an immersion blender), blend until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.

• Turn off the meat mixture and stir in the peas. Pour into casserole dish, then spread the mashed cauliflower on top.Top with cheese and bake for about 30 minutes, or until cheese is melted and/or the mashed cauliflower is lightly browned in spots.

Mid-carb crisis: I'm doing just peachy, thanks

Politely decline the bread basket at lunch and explain, also politely, that you are on a low-carb diet, and your table companions tend to have two reactions: sympathy or thinly-veiled horror, as though you might club the lowest-moving server and eat him raw. I can understand it. It sounds like a bleak existance. No noodles. No fries. No doughnuts. No joy. Just...meat.

My husband started it first. He just wanted to try it, and he did it! He really did it! Despite the proof that you could go on living without potato chips, I dug my heels in for a year, siting the well-documented psychological benefits of chocolate as possibly the only way to get through the year we were all having. But get through it we did, and I jumped on the wagon with him.

The reality is that I'm not actually doing the "low-carb thing" really. I like to think of it as "mid-carb," because while I might be able to give up bread and rice and french fries, grudgingly, this Mommy cannot live by bacon alone. So while breads, rice, pasta, potatoes, and sweets are off the menu, pretty much anything else is fair game. I am too lazy and too averse to pain to quibble over whether that cooked carrot is grounds for dietary self-flagellation.

The biggest challenge, of course, is that I simply cannot live in a world without sweets. One of the things I hate about low-carb diets is the whole sugar substitute question, and you can use Splenda all you want, but you have to be better at self-deception than I am if you don't think it tastes a little like tires. So I experiment with baking. Like, a lot. And as I've said before, when you use recipes as only a guideline, you cannot be afraid to fail. Because you're going to. 

So when I bought a box of gorgeous late-season peaches at Costco only to discover that they were California (blah) and not Eastern (Hallelujah!), I found myself with a golden opportunity to experiment with a low-carb cobbler-type thing. I decided to go with a few spoonfuls of Truvia sugar blend for the filling, which combines the real stuff with some sugar alcohols and other things not made of Splenda. Yes, it does have carbs, but only 1/4 of what regular sugar has, and it's also magically sweeter, so you use less. Also, it doesn't taste petroleum-based.

For the crumb topping, I used ideal brand brown sugar sweetener and almond meal, which is just peeled, blanched almonds ground into a powder. You can buy it already prepared or you can do it yourself (...if you're a masochist). There are other low-carb flour alternatives out there, but many of them either taste super weird or turn your large intestine into the Hindenburg. Or both!

Materials:

• 6-7 ripe peaches, peeled and sliced (or about 4 cups frozen. I think this would also be great with blueberries)
• 3 tbsp Truvia baking blend 
• 1/2 teaspoon apple pie spice
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/3 c. ideal brown sugar sweetener
• 2 cups almond flour
• 1 stick butter

Method

• Preheat oven to 350.
• Spray a 9x 9 dish with cooking spray
• Add sliced peaches and sprinkle with Truvia, apple pie spice, and ginger. 

• In a large bowl, with a pastry blender or your fingers, rub together the almond flour, butter, and ideal until it looks kinda like wet sand. 

• Sprinkle almond mixture evenly over peaches and bake for about 30 minutes, until it gets brown in spots.

Conclusion

I was very pleased with how this turned out! It's not too sweet, but when you haven't eaten sugar in 2 weeks, it's dreamy. Add some sugar-free vanilla ice cream and you can almost, almost forgive it for not having more carbs. But at least it has butter, right? 

When life gives you leftovers, make a casserole!

There are times in life when you have to make do with what you have. My extremely supportive and patient family has learned a lot about that in recent years, as I was trying to take care of my Dad and hold down a job and basically just keep body and soul together for all of us. 

Sometimes after a not-so-hard day, I just wasn't in the mood to cook (thank God for the 24-hour diner across the street). And sometimes, around dinner time but long before the end of an excruciating day, I decided right then was an excellent time to cook something new and involved. 

So eventually, I learned that more than any other dish, the casserole is the one where you really can just open the fridge, grab whatever odds and ends you have floating around in there, and add them to the ingredient list.* That said, there are certain staples I am not allowed to run out of, because in a pinch, you can use them to make a casserole out of darn near anything. 

Those things are:

• Shaped pasta and/or rice (We are trying to reduce carbs, so Dreamfields it is)
• Wine (duh!)
• Frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts and/or thighs
• Frozen diced onions
• Frozen vegetables
• Cheese
• Some kind of shelf-stable goo ("cream of" soup, gravy mix, onion soup mix, etc.)**
• Various herbs and spices (I keep a tubes of garlic and basil in my fridge at all times)

Method

If you are lucky enough to have the ingredients already precooked (or scavenged, whatever), skip to this part.  If you're starting from just the ingredients in your always-on-hand-stash, here's the easiest way I've found to do everything with the least number of dirty dishes.:)

• In a large stock pot over medium-high heat, saute about 1/2 cup onions and a clove or two of garlic in olive oil for a few minutes (they don't have to be done done, and in fact, you can skip this step if you want). 
• Add a cup or so of wine, and roughly the same amount of water. Add some salt, but don't go nuts - you'll be adding cheese and goo later.
• Add 2 good-sized chicken breasts or 4 thighs to the pot (if frozen, don't worry about thawing it), cover, and bring to a boil. Cook for about 20 minutes.***
• Remove the chicken from the pot and shred when it is cool enough to touch. 
• Add enough water to the pot to cook pasta. Bring to a boil.
• At about the halfway point of the noodle cooking process (if package says 7 minutes, do this at 3), add a couple handfuls of frozen vegetables. Bring water back to a boil; when pasta is done, drain the whole pot.
• This is the easy part. Mix it all together! Be sure to include the goo, seasonings (basil works well with chicken!), and cheese.
  Important rule of thumb: mix the cold or room-temp stuff together first, then add the hot.
  If the mix looks dry, you can use some reserved cooking liquid or wine. 
• Pour into a casserole dish and cover with cheese. 
• Bake at 350 until the top is browned in spots. See?

*For instance, we went to a pumpkin patch thing last weekend and were able to pick out a "free" pumpkin on the way out. Well, right alongside those adorable little pumpkins were acorn squash! Hello, casserole!
**Goo is important, otherwise the casserole can be dry. If you don't have any (or don't believe in it on principle), you can always use wine or broth. I actually prefer a dry packet of gravy mix mixed with wine (instead of the water it calls for).
***I never time anything, I just check it periodically to see if it's done yet. Also, if your chicken has bones in it, it takes longer.

Cupcakeasaurus

I love a little girl who's just as willing to play dinosaurs as princesses. I am always kind of proud when my daughter puts her wee fists in the air and says "I'm a superhero!" while wearing plastic high heels and heart-shaped sunglasses (because that's a mask when you're 3).

I threw my share of feminist punches when I was young, but as I have gotten older I've come to realize how much I enjoy being able to be both a woman and sometimes kind of a badass. One does not diminish the other. So when it came time to say goodbye to a little friend who was moving away, I was faced with an interesting challenge - how to make an easy cake that would adequately reflect both her adventurous and girly sides? And the answer came to me through Pinterest (like many good answers do). A dinosaur cupcake cake. With pink toenails. And pearls. And eyelashes.:)

When I say easy, folks, I mean it. All right, not always, but this time, I swear. I made a box cake mix into 14 regular sized and 6 mini cupcakes, smooshed them together, and slapped some frosting on it. The instructions that follow are what I did, but really, you can just go with store-bought frosting and decorate it with Skittles and your kid, I swear, will love it every bit as much.

Materials

For cake:

• Box cake mix in favorite flavor. For children, you can never, ever go wrong with Funfetti.
• Eggs, oil and water for the mix
• 14 reular-sized cupcake liners
• 7 mini cupcake liners

For frosting:

• 4 cups powdered sugar* (the equivalent of 2 boxes or 1 plastic bag)
• 1 cup Crisco
• 1 cup butter, room temp**
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• Generous pinch of salt
• 1/4 to 1/2 cup whipping cream

For decorating:

• Green food coloring (I used Wilton Moss Green gel coloring)
• Pink food coloring (I used Wilton Rose Pink gel coloring, but a few drops of red food color would work)
• Sugar pearls (they totally have these at grocery stores now, but if you can't find them, just reserve about a 1/2 cup of plain frosting)
• Candy eyeballs or black frosting (I just buy the tubes at the grocery store on sale; I'm pretty sure they'll keep in the fridge until the end of time)
• Some sort of edible triangular-shaped candy. I found gummy sheets at the store; fruit roll-ups would work fine
• Ziploc or piping bags. If you use a Ziploc bag, make sure it's not pleated; freezer bags are strongest; cheap bags will burst when piping.
• Parchment paper or Viva paper towels (yes, brand matters here) 
• Fondant paddle*** 
• Offset spatula***

Method

• For the cupcakes: Mix and bake the cupcakes according to the directions on the box, using at least the number of cupcake liners specified (you may have extra).
• For the frosting: Cream butter and Crisco. Incorporate the sugar a little at a time (will be very stiff when you're done). Add 1/4 whipping cream slowly (or you'll be wearing it) and turn the speed up to medium-high for about a minute. Test the consistency; if it seems too stiff, add a little more cream and beat it again.
• Remove 1 cup frosting for accent colors, and dye the rest a satisfying shade of green.
• Dye a little over half the reserved frosting pink.
• Arrange your cupcakes like this:

(Totally ripped off from this site, which has a great tutorial)

• Fill a Ziploc or piping bag with green frosting. I find it easiest to put the bag in a big plastic cup, then fill it up. You'll need to snip about 1/2 inch off one of the corners of the ziploc bag; piping bags already have a hole.
• Cover the tops of the cupcakes and with frosting, putting extra in any cracks between cupcakes. Cover the whole collective surface with frosting.
• Spread frosting evenly over the entire shape using an offset spatula, back of a spoon, or butter knife. It will not be smooth yet, so don't panic.
• Walk away for 15 minutes to let the buttercream "crust." If it doesn't stick to your finger when you touch it lightly, it's ready.
• Lay a piece of parchment paper or a Viva paper towel on top of the frosting. Using a fondant paddle or your hand, carefully smooth the surface of the frosting by rubbing lightly over the paper towel or parchment, using a circular motion. Lift up the paper frequently to keep it from getting sticky.
• Once the frosting is smooth, you can add details with frosting and candy, like flowers, eyes, outlines, scales, etc.

This is what my dino looked like:

Conclusion

 All told, this cake took about an hour of hands-on time, which is light speed for cakes (for me, anyway). I encourage you to check out this tutorial, which is what I did, as well as the web site. If you like to bake cakes, and especially if you want to start doing "fancy" cakes, you should totally follow them on Pinterest. And if you aren't yet hooked on Pinterest, please do ask me how!

*Theoretically, sugar really shouldn't go "bad." Powdered sugar, though, does tend to take on funky smells as its very own, which translates into weird tasting frosting. So, don't stockpile the sugar, or if you do, put it in a couple of layers of foil or bags or something to keep it from tasting strangely like cumin.

**If you don't have the time or foresight to bring your butter to room temp, try 30 seconds in the microwave at 50% power. Unless your microwave is crazy awesome, in which case, 15 seconds might do it.

***These tools aren't necessary if all you have time to do is hit the market on the way home for a boxed cake mix and a tub of frosting, but if you're going to do this kind of thing often, they are inexpensive and totally worth the trip to Michael's. (Unless you're my husband, who hates the place. He might go in there if our daughter's life were at stake, but otherwise, I'd be on my own.)

Smells like Hawaiian Tropic

My grandmother only made coconut cake on special occasions. To my understanding, they were the confectionery equivalent of Botticelli's Venus in both difficulty of execution and aesthetical beauty. I've come to find out that that supposition wasn't necessarily wrong.

I've made quite a few cakes over the years - not like pro-level or anything, but enough that I'm not usually intimidated by a recipe. Still, there's this one element of a coconut cake that scares me - the icing. My grandmother always made Seven-Minute Frosting for this one cake, so in my mind, there simply isn't an alternative choice. Still, I confess to trying others - the Cook's Illustrated Baking cookbook (indispensable because it's awesome) version is basically a Swiss buttercream with coconut, which I guess if you like that kind of thing, works fine, but it's just too heavy and greasy for me. And tastes kind of like non-dairy coffee creamer. The American buttercream/cream cheese hybrid was fine, but just too heavy. And it crusts, so add coconut to it and it turns into concrete after about 20 minutes.
There's no way around it. The only real option is seven-minute frosting, the white whale of my baking career.
In celebration of my sister- and father-in-law completing an epic bike trip from Pittsburgh to DC, I decided to face my fears and create this cake. For the cake part, I followed (sort of, anyway) a recipe I found online for a sheet cake poached in sugary coconutty goo, even though I fully planned to make layers (and did. And it took 4 drinking straws the hold the darn thing together). As for the filling and frosting, I made one batch of this (whatever you may now think of Paula Deen, the woman does know her way around fat and sugar).
To my surprise and delight, it was perfect. Glossy, thick, fluffy goodness. I had conquered. I had overcome. Call me Ismael.
You knew it wouldn't be that easy, right?
My nephew fell in love with this cake, so much so that he requested me to teach his mom how to make it for his birthday. I had drawn a few conclusions based on the first creation about ways to change the cake part, since the frosting was so perfect.
I should have quit while I was ahead.
Coconut cake 2: The filling didn't penetrate. Not even in the fridge. Part of the cake was dry and part was swampy. And then, there was the heartbreak of the frosting,which instead of the pillowy and silken glory of its predecessor batch, turned out to be a foamy conglomeration of air and egg whites and despair. I tried again, and this time, it was okay. Not the gloriousness of that first try, but not the epic fail of the second. Not willing to do a third batch, we slapped it on the cake before we could change our minds and coated it with coconut, and with the addition of a few candles, it was done.

For the cake

1 boxed yellow cake mix (better results with one that uses oil as the fat rather than butter), prepared as directed, plus
1/2 teaspoon coconut extract
1 can (or bottle) of Cream of Coconut (usually found near the Margarita mix in the grocery store)
1 can sweetened condensed milk

Prepare the cake mix as directed, adding the coconut extract. Pour into pans and bake as instructed. 

In a bowl, combine the cream of coconut and sweetened condensed milk. When the cake is done, remove from the oven and cool for a few minutes, then remove the layers from the cake pans and let them cool for a few minutes. Do not wash those pans yet. Put the cakes back into the their pans and poke holes in them with a straw. I made the mistake of using a fork on the second cake and the filling just would not sink in all the way. 

Use a straw. Pour the cream of coconut and milk mixture over the cakes. If it looks like it's too much, it probably is. I would say use about 3/4 of the mix. I used half on the second cake and I think it suffered for it. Put the pans in the fridge and leave them for at least 2 hours. Overnight worked well.

For the frosting

1 1/2 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar or 1 tablespoon white corn syrup
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup water
2 egg whites*
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Place sugar, cream of tartar or corn syrup (I used both!), salt, water, and egg whites in the top of a double boiler. Beat with a handheld electric mixer for 1 minute. Place pan over boiling water, being sure that boiling water does not touch the bottom of the top pan. (If this happens, it could cause your frosting to become grainy). Beat constantly on high speed** with electric mixer for 7*** minutes. Beat in vanilla.

Finally

Stack your layers, using some frosting and coconut as the filling. Cover the entire cake with frosting 

and immediately slap coconut all over it. Refrigerate any leftovers. Or send them to my nephew.

Wait. What happened to the first batch of frosting?

Humidity? Metal vs. glass bowl? New mixer? A butterfly flapped its wings in Africa? Really, I don't know, and I'm not sure I ever will. The only thing I can offer in terms of advice for anyone who sets out to make this frosting is to follow the recipe to the letter, and always have enough materials on hand to make another batch. Good luck.

* I buy the ones in the carton - they totally work!

** If you can do this without giving yourself third-degree burns, then your mixer is powered by dying hamsters. Put a mixer on high in this stuff and it will fling the culinary equivalent of napalm all over you and your entire kitchen. Medium. Stick to medium.

*** Yeah, right. It takes me between 9-12 minutes. Just beat it until it's spreadable and not drippy.

The apple of my pie

Today, I have been thinking a lot about my Dad, who passed away in April after a long illness (take care of your liver, people). He loved to cook, although really, he loved for people to eat his cooking. He was a wizard with charcoal.
My father, however, hated cooked apples. It was probably for this reason that prior to going to college, I had never really tried apple pie, and despite an early love of baking, had certainly never made one. So when cooler fall air (finally) started pouring into my unairconditioned dorm, I decided I wanted to try to make one. The trouble was, of course, a communal kitchen (crusted with all sorts of unidentifiable things-including this God-awful dish one girl used to make that involved pasta alfredo and cans of tuna), and the fact that the only measuring device we seemed to be able to find consistently was a 1/3 cup measure. That, and the Internet was still in its infancy, so the days of finding a recipe in .2 seconds were still a couple of years away.

Ultimately, I made a crumb-topped apple pie that came out pretty well, and eventually, grew to have a bit of a fan base with family and friends. I have never, however, really managed to capture the precise measurements of it, probably because of that cursed 1/3 cup measure. So it is actually my intrepid sister-in-law you can thank for pinning me down in the kitchen, shadowing my construction of, and finally committing to printed word the recipe, although I understand that it was not without some trial-and-error. Here is the recipe, as she wrote it.

Crust

Refrigerated pie crust (Mommy: Shut up, all you pie crust elitists)

Filling

1 c sugar

5-6 Tbsp flour

¼-½ tsp nutmeg

1 bag Granny Smith apples

(Mommy: I guess I forgot to tell her that I also add cinnamon here. About a teaspoon, I guess? I always have to lick my finger, stick it in the filling, and taste it to see when it's okay. I know, gross, right? And a pinch of salt. It should look roughly like this:)

Topping

Leftover filling

Add sugar – up to 1 cup

Add flour – about 2 Tbsp

1-2 tsp cinnamon

3-4 Tbsp butter

1.       Put pie crust in pan

2.       Layer filling and apples, starting and ending with filling

3.       Place 2 Tbsp butter on top in small chunks (Mommy: I forget this step all the time)

4.     (Mommy: As the British would say, "rub" all of the topping ingredients together in a bowl with your fingers until the mixture forms crumbs roughly the size of peas.)  

Crumble topping all over pie - Important: Crumble with hands!! 

5.       Bake at 350 for 40-50 minutes

Although you will never master this pie until you can throw out the timer and just smell when it’s done.  Alas, I am not a master. (Mommy: Hmm. This is doubtful.)

Conclusion

I think one of things that makes this pie fun is that the normal "rules" of baking are kind of suspended. You don't have to weight out the grams of anything. You just stick a finger in, and if it tastes right, it probably is. The lesson to be learned from this pie, kind of like my Dad, is to trust yourself, and make do with what you have. Dad never did anything half-way, and never apologized for it, either. It doesn't matter if you get things perfect, it matters that you tried anyway knowing it might not turn out like you were expecting.

So give this recipe a whirl, and make it yours a little bit. Just don't make it with blueberries - I tried and it was wretched.

If at first you don't succeed...you can always put it on your blog

So a couple years back, I decided to enter the Pillsbury Bake-off. At the time, I had a one-year-old and about 3 weeks to come up with original recipes and, as it happened, had temporarily lost my senses of smell and taste. So the Bake-off prep was really in the hands of my tasters, because all I could discern of what I put in my mouth was sweet, salty, spicy, sour, or bitter. It was a great diet plan, as I figured that while I couldn't enjoy anything, I might as well just eat salads. It was very surreal, though, and even after a CAT scan, the ENT wasn't sure why it had happened, but eventually the senses came back, although I still don't think they've ever been as sharp as they were before (rest assured,though, they are plenty good enough to know the difference between salads and brownies - I know you were worried). Weird.
Anyway, I came up with three entries, all of which my tasters thought were pretty good. Once I had my smell and taste back, the standout for me was the cupcake recipe. Plus, it involves an element of danger and option for use of open flame - who doesn't love that?
Pillsbury, apparently. Alas, I did not win, but I won't let that stop me from sharing the losing recipe! Please ignore the brands - that was a requirement for the contest. I've also editorialized it a bit from the original submission.

Materials

1/2 cup shortening

1 1/4 cups white sugar

2 LAND O LAKES® Large Brown Cage-Free eggs

1 teaspoon McCormick® Pure Vanilla Extract

½ teaspoon banana flavoring

1 cup mashed ripe (not brown or over-ripe) bananas (seriously, this makes the difference between a cupcake and a muffin)

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons dark rum (or more if you're not into measuring)

2 cups Pillsbury BEST® Unbleached Flour

½ teaspoon McCormick® Ground Cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 can Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk

⅓ cup heavy cream

1 jar marshmallow cream

Method

1. In a medium sized bowl, combine dry ingredients. Preheat oven  to 350. In a large mixing bowl, cream together the shortening and sugar using an electric mixer. Add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition. Add ¼ cup rum (can substitute with ¼ cup buttermilk and 1 teaspoon McCormick® Imitation Rum Extract - BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO???), flavorings and bananas and blend until just incorporated. Add flour mixture in two batches and beat until incorporated. Using a ¼ cup measuring cup, fill a lined regular-sized cupcake tin with batter (it makes about 18 cupcakes, so you may have to work in two batches). Bake for 18-22 minutes, until tops spring back when touched.
2. While cupcakes are baking*, pour the contents of 1 can of condensed milk into a large microwave-safe bowl. Cover with plastic wrap; make a small slit in the top to allow steam to escape. Cook on 50% power for 2 minutes; stir with a wire whisk. Cover and microwave again for 2 minutes on 50% power. Stir with wire whisk. Repeat this procedure in 2.5 minute increments for 10 more minutes. Mixture should foam each time it is stirred and should be caramel-colored and thick near the end. Meanwhile, heat cream in a small saucepan until hot but not boiling. At the end of the 10 minutes, immediately add hot cream and 2 tablespoons rum (or 1 teaspoon rum extract); whisk until smooth. Set aside to cool.
3. When cupcakes are cool, take a measuring spoon or apple corer and remove a small (no more than 1 teaspoon total) section from the center of each cupcake. Put the cooled milk mixture into a heavy-duty plastic zip-top bag; seal the bag and snip off one corner (about ½ inch). Fill the hole in each cupcake until mixture is even with the top of the cake.
4. Preheat your broiler** and place all of your filled cupcakes on a baking sheet. Top each cupcake with 1-2 tablespoons of marshmallow cream (I find it is easiest to put it in a piping bag or zip-top bag with the corner snipped off). Try to center the marshmallow cream on each cupcake but don’t worry about spreading it out. Once all cupcakes have been iced, put the baking sheet in the oven until the marshmallow cream browns on the top, resembling a toasted marshmallow. This process happens very quickly, so be sure to check your cupcakes every 30 seconds or so. Serve immediately for the gooiest experience.:)

*If you like to live dangerously: The way I originally learned to make this wonderful caramelly-goodness was from a terrific book called Southern Ladies and Gentlemen. The author, Florence King, referred to this as "Danger Pudding." All you do is take a can of condensed milk, peel off the label, put it in a large stock pot full of cold water, and then boil it for an hour and a half. Take the pot off the heat, pour off the water, and leave the can alone until it cools completely. I guess bad things can happen if you open the can too soon. Like caramel on the ceiling. And your hair. And shrapnel.

**If Danger is your middle name: You can also accomplish this with a kitchen torch (the kind you use for creme brulee). Just watch your eyebrows.

(After) Party Chicken

We've had a couple of cookouts lately, and while the leftover plates and cups can be applied to the next party, there are a few remaining bits of flotsam that must either be used immediately or trashed. For example,  that half sleeve of crackers and 1/4 bag of potato chips. Could you eat the latter in one sitting while watching "Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas Edition?" Why, yes, you could (I have scientifically tested this one for you-ain't I sweet?), but then what is everyone else gonna eat for dinner?

Potato Chip Chicken Parmesan!

Aside from breading the chicken in the potato chip bag, my favorite part about this recipe is that you only get one pan dirty. Well, and I guess one pot, too, for the noodles (unless you have a microwave pasta cooker thingo, which I tried and...major fail).

Materials

1. 1/4 bag of potato chips (Whatever is left over. That little bag of tortilla chips from the Mexican place would probably work, too.)
2. 1/2 sleeve of crackers (I've used Town House and saltines. Both worked fine, but I am partial to Town House because, well, butter.)
3. 2 tbsp Italian Seasoning or whatever your go-to blend is. Just nothing with salt, unless you really really love salt.
4. 6 Boneless skinless chicken breasts and/or thighs
5. 2 jars spaghetti sauce
6. 1 cup of wine (whatever is left over. Or is left in the box.)
7. 1 8-ounce bag of Parmesan or Italian blend cheese
8. 1 1lb box of noodles (whatever you like best)

Here are last night's ingredients:

Method

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line a 9x13 baking dish with foil (for easy cleanup).
2. Dump the 2 jars of sauce in the dish, along with the wine. You can stir it up a bit if you want, it doesn't really matter.
3. Dump the crackers in the potato chip bag, hold  the bag closed (you can also clip or fold it), and pulverize. I use my rolling pin, you can use whatever makes you feel the most catharsis.
4. Add the Italian seasoning.
5. Hold the bag closed and shake to combine.It should look like this:
6. Rinse off your chicken, then drop it 1 piece at a time into the potato chip bag. Shake.
7. Place the piece of chicken on top of the sauce in the pan. DO NOT STIR.
8. Repeat for the rest of the chicken pieces.
9. Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture on top of chicken. It should look like this:
   
   
10. Put it in the oven for about 40 minutes. This sounds like a long time, but really, your chicken is half-drowned in sauce and covered in potato chips. It'll be fine.
11. Remove the dish from the oven, cover it in cheese, and put it back in for another 10 minutes (while the water for your noodles is boiling?).
12. When the cheese is all lovely and melted, it's done! Spoon the chicken and sauce over noodles and eat up!

Everything's A-OK

We took the Little Bit to Sesame Place last weekend. She's been fighting a cold for a week or so, but we'd had the tickets for months (due to a personal appearance by "Kindi Rock" superstar Laurie Berkner), so we were going, snot be damned. Plus, it was the first unGodly hot weekend of the year, where else would we be but a theme park full of pre-schoolers?
The trip there was miserable. Normally a little under 3 hours, it took us 5. I now hate the following cities, ranked in order of worst driving experience last Friday to best.

1. Philly. Eva started puking around Hour 9000 and we couldn't get off the highway for 3 miles.  HATE.
2. New Jersey. Toll Plazas. That is all.
3. Baltimore. Because apparently they drive tanks up and down the pavements all night long when noone is looking. Pot holes the depth of the axles. Luckily, we were only going 3 MPH so it didn't do anything permanent. I hope.
4. DC. Yes, you read that right. The new 695 interchange is much better than turning right at a traffic light on Pennsylvania Avenue and trying not to hit the curbside flower vendors. Plus, traffic was heavy but at least it was flowing. At 12:30 in the afternoon.

All this said, we had a great time once we got there. My child is not threatened by any ride, any height, any spray of water, or any adult-sized costumed character.
So, how does all this rambling tie in to something Mommy made? Well, I finally got to see a scale model of the brownstone where Maria, Big Bird (he roosts on the roof), Bert and Ernie (in the basement), and Oscar the Grouch (in the trash can outside) live.
This would have been helpful to me when I re-created it in cake form for a birthday party in February.

I'll spare you most of the details, so if you really want to know, email me and I'll bore you with minutia. Some more.

Materials:

• 2 12-inch cake layers
• 4 8-inch cake layers
• About 5 pounds of this frosting
• Cake plate (mine was a nice pedestal that promptly broke)
• 10 lbs of chocolate fondant*
• 2-3 pounds gum paste and/or white fondant
• Paint brush
• rolling pin
• sharp knife
• confectioner's sugar
• Crisco
• blue food coloring
• green food coloring
• food coloring pens
• fondant cutters of your choice - I used this but it's more trouble than it's worth
• 15-20 hours of your life

Method (deep breath. I promise I'll only hit the high points)

1. Using the chocolate fondant and the gum paste, I rolled it out and cut it into shapes to use for the trim on the house (windowsills, doors, windows, etc.)*
2. Stack, fill, and crumb coat the square layers.
   Like this (please ignore the yogurt and turkey)!
   
3. Stack, fill, and crumb coat the round layers, then dye some of the icing blue and do a smooth coat.
   Like this!
   
   
4. Cover the "cube" cake with chocolate fondant. If you can. 
5. Smack the House cake on the round cake. This part is not fun and can go terribly wrong.
6. Use water and a paint brush to attach all the doo-dads to the house and the sign to the round cake.
7. Use leftover icing for details on the cake.
8. Get someone to help you carry the thing, because it is seriously heavy.

*If there's a word stronger than "hate" here, that's how I feel about Wilton's chocolate fondant. I hate fondant, anyway, but this stuff is the weirdest, stickiest, driest, cracki-est, meanest lump of sugar dough I have ever worked with. Seriously, I had a humidifier cranking next to it and it still cracked. Next time I'll just take my chances with chocolate buttercream. Wait, I am never doing this again. Nevermind.